The Daily Show With Special Guest Nan Flanagan

by Kass

Written for daysofawesome 2010 / 5771. Inspired by Roga.

JON: Welcome back to The Daily Show. Tonight's guest is the spokeswoman for the American Vampire League. You've probably seen her on Fox News and on MSNBC, but I'm proud to report that this is the first fake news studio she's ever deigned to set foot in. Please welcome Nan Flanagan!


JON: Thanks for coming on the show.

NAN: Thanks for having me.

JON: Here, have a -- we usually give our guests a Daily Show coffee mug, though I'm not really sure how useful this is going to be to you; you could put pencils in it, or something.

NAN: [drily] We do occasionally use drinking vessels. I'm sure I'll find some use for it.

JON: Ever since the Great Revelation, you've been the public face of the AVL. What's been the most surprising thing about going public?

NAN: Honestly, Jon, the most surprising thing has been that most people are entirely un-fazed by the discovery that we're here, we're real. We're already a part of your world. It's a rare family that doesn't have at least one vampire somewhere in its bloodlines.

JON: Were you considering coming 'out of the coffin' before True Blood came on the scene?

NAN: It's something many of us had talked about, but True Blood really made it possible.

JON: Bcause now you don't have to risk, ah, a little accidental homicide if you get carried away while you're having a snack.

NAN: Let's be clear, Jon: even before the advent of True Blood, vampires were perfectly capable of eating without killing anyone. I could feed on you right here and you wouldn't experience any ill effects -- you might want to have a cookie afterwards, as you would if you were donating blood to the Red Cross, but that's about it.

JON: Please don't.

NAN: Don't worry, you're not my type. [Pause] Now, that Samantha Bee...

[audience laughs]

JON: So here's the question I've been dying to ask: are there Jewish vampires?

NAN: Of course, Jon! Vampires come from every walk of life, every race and creed and religious background. Until fairly recently, most of us discarded our human faith when we left our human lives behind, but in the last century it's become increasingly common for vampires to retain some attachment to the rites and rituals of their previous lives.

JON: Wow. Jewish vampires, who knew! It gives that whole "eat, eat, you're so thin" schtick a different vibe...

NAN: [chuckling] Well, bear in mind that vampires and Jews do have something in common; both communities consider blood to be sacred.

JON: Well, I, ah, I don't know that I'd say --

NAN: It's a central part of the kosher laws. Blood is sacred unto God, and humanity isn't supposed to eat it.

JON: Wait, how is it that you know more about my religious tradition than I do? Are you just a font of blood-related trivia?

NAN: Vampires also regard the blood as sacred. Unfortunately, we can't subsist without it, which is why most Jews who've become vampire have historically relinquished their Jewish practice.

JON: But once again, thanks to the makers of True Blood --

NAN: You've got it. True Blood is synthetic, so most rabbinic authorities do regard it as kosher.

JON: I'm just trying to imagine coming to synagogue on Yom Kippur and beating your breast to atone for the sin you've sinned by biting someone's neck.

NAN: I'd like to take issue with that formulation! There's nothing inherently sinful about biting -- or about choosing to be bitten. What goes on between two consenting adults in the privacy of their own home --

JON: Whoa, whoa, we don't need to hear the details.

NAN: Come on, Jon, this is late-night cable!

JON: Yes, but I have it on very good authority that at least half of our audience watches the show on their DVRs the next morning over breakfast.

NAN: Wouldn't want to put anyone off their Wheaties.

JON: Right. So, many of our viewers probably saw you arguing the other night with Reverend Steve Newlin, from the Fellowship of the Sun --

NAN: That was a truly frustrating conversation.

JON: He really seems to think you should feel remorse about who you are.

NAN: This, from the man who sent a suicide bomber.

JON: I didn't say it was logical. Also, his wife seems to have strong feelings about your hair...

NAN: I think she and I have different aesthetics.

JON: Right. So you don't feel any guilt for the things you've done?

NAN: I think everyone, vampire and human, wrestles with guilt occasionally. But do I personally feel guilt for my "vampiric lifestyle"? Absolutely not.

JON: And there you have it, folks. We're going to cut away for a moment to check in with my old friend Stephen at the Colbert Report: Stephen!

[Screen divides in two, with Stephen in one half and Jon in the other]


JON: When are you going to invite a vampire on your show?

STEPHEN: [archly] Well, as you know, Jon, I don't see "race."

JON: Vampires aren't actually a --

STEPHEN: So it's possible I've already had one on my show and I didn't even know it!

JON: Yeah, but --

STEPHEN: It's really too bad that you're still hung up on these antiquated notions, Jon.

JON: [laughing] Okay, Stephen, whatever you say.

[Stephen disappears; screen returns to showing just Jon and Nan on the Daily Show set]

JON: That's it for our show, everyone; Nan Flanagan, thanks for taking the time to join us! Here you are: your moment of zen.

[cut to clip of anti-vampire protesters in background; in foreground, two men in suits shake their heads, roll their eyes, and walk out of the frame]

The End