An Open Letter to the Anti-Slash People
by The Brat Queen

An open letter to anti-slash people, on behalf of slashers.

ObDisclaimer: This is intended for those who identified as "anti-slash". This is not meant for those who simply do not like slash, or those who prefer het/gen as a general rule. Y'all are fine and don't need to worry. We like you, promise.

Dear anti-slashers,

Hi! It's nice to meet you. We really appreciate you taking the time to come out, post some posts, make some icons, and generally make that first step at making contact with us. It's always hard to get over those ice-breaker situations and you forged ahead anyway, so kudos!

That being said, I think - and boy howdy do we all feel embarrassed by this - we may have gotten our wires crossed. So I hope you don't mind if we take a sec here to clear up some confusion.

First of all: we're not a political movement. I know with the wacky situation going on in California right now it's hard to tell the difference between a slash fan and somebody who's running for office, but honestly, we're something different. There's no party, there's no voting, there's no pro-slash bill sitting there on Capital Hill or anything like that. We just write fiction. Occasionally we do artwork or vids. Other than that we're pretty much tapped out.

So, much as it's really swell of you to put all that effort and creativity into your rants and those spiffy icons... Well see the thing of it is they're not going to do anything. It's not like being anti-abortion or anti-war. There's no majority rule here. You can get as many of you together as you like but it's still not going to make any changes. Slash people will still write slash and you guys will apparently still be unable to find the delete key. The words you are looking for are "I prefer het" or "Slash just doesn't wet my panties". Saying you're anti-slash is like saying you're anti-green sweaters. All you're really telling people is that you enjoy introducing a lot of stress in your life by focusing on things you don't even like.

Second, though we really appreciate you taking the time to try to educate us, we actually know that not every character on every show is gay. We watch the shows. We also understand statistical likelihoods. Making us little icons to remind us of that is like unto Denis Leary's comment about warning labels on cigarettes: Very few smokers think that cigarettes have vitamin C in them, very few slashers think that every character is queer. We know. We agree with you. Please save your efforts for less moot topics.

Third, and on a related note, stop accusing us of having control over man, space and time. Believe me if we did we wouldn't be having these conversations. Contary to what some of you apparently believe, we're just typing. All we've got going on here is letters and pretty colors. It doesn't affect anything on the actual shows. My ones and zeros do not make your Angel gay. If you want to think of Angel as Straighty McBreederson you go nuts. You may also feel free to dress him in clown shoes and that god-awful haircut that David Boreanaz is sporting in that Dido video. It is your not_god-given right as a fan of the show. In the meanwhile, I'll be over here with my Angel enjoying the things that I like, and thus the world continues to revolve.

Fourth, stop telling us you know gay people. You live on earth, of course you know gay people. The only way you don't know gay people is if you live inside of a shoebox, and even then it's debatable depending upon the brand of shoes. It's okay. Have an opinion. Dislike slash. You are not required to flash your queer cred at the door. In point of fact you probably shouldn't since many of us are actually gay and can therefore trump you just by existing. Again: it's all right. As a human being your opinions are valid, and we do not require you to sign an affidavit swearing that you're a fat, black, handicapped, dyke who voted for Nader back in 2000. Just say what you want to.

Yeah, sure, sometimes you get accused of homophobia. And I agree that sometimes that's not correct. It's not necessarily homophobic to say that you don't like slash. However if the way you choose to phrase that dislike uses terms that were last seen acting as adjectives inside of SARS-related news stories maybe you need to rethink your terminology.

Fifth, for god's sake could you get better people? Not that we slash fen haven't been enjoying a good and well-earned feeling of superiority like unto the sensation we get whenever we watch Dubya on television and realize that our left tits could be a better president than he could, but honestly at this point it's just sad. We write slash because we're not getting enough dick? What? Christ. The world of debate hasn't seen comebacks so utterly moronic and off the point since the last time a junior high school boy turned to another and said "You have a girlfriend, that's so gay."

Look, if you want to bitch and moan about all the slash out there you go nuts. But if you're trying to start a movement or win over converts maybe you need to take a mulligan and have somebody else on your team do the Ari Fleischering. Because right now saying that debating with you is like shooting fish in a barrel is an insult to wood-surrounded Pisces everywhere. Also it's a waste of bullets.

Sixth, and finally, until such time as you get lambasted for bringing the fandom down, get nastygrams in your email box for "daring" to make your favorite pairing heterosexual and have to go through five decades worth of secret handshakes and hiding in order to find fans who think just like you do shut the fuck up about your poor, persecuted hetero side of the fandom. You're the god-damned majority. Cope.

Ta!