A memorable episode in the, now just recently cancelled, show Homicide: Life on the Streets is Have A Conscience, where Detective Michael Kellerman puts a gun to his head in a fit of desperation. He is 'saved' by his partner, a fellow Homicide detective, Meldrick Lewis- who takes the gun out of his mouth. They are last seen in the episode, walking away, Meldrick Lewis' jacket around Michael Kellerman's shoulders due to the cold.

The episode left the stage open for many slash fanfiction writers, myself included, to think on the possibilities of what happened after Meldrick and Michael concluded their walk, having cleared the air somewhat after the few tense minutes with a gun waving around. Mike and Meldrick had always been close partners, why not have something tragic and emotionally stressing bring them together sexually? The real question though, was how could Mike or Meldrick 'fall into bed' with the other after something so gravely serious like a suicide attempt? Does that mean all of the slash written in response to the episode that put them together seems un-realistic? I have seen and read many variations to the theme, even written one myself, and I can see why it would be so easy to see the two men pulled together under the circumstances.

For Mike, Meldrick has always been whom he looked to as a partner and a friend. Perhaps right then, when they returned from the walk, that he needed something. Something to feel and hold onto and to make him feel like there was some reason to survive until the next day. A reason to face the pain that he had been going through in the past months. Another desperate action to feel 'connected'. His pain over the past months, where he was under investigation for bribery and his good reputation was slaughtered, culminates in something unforeseen by viewers of the show. He knows Meldrick will not let him go through with it, but he wonders if taking his gun is going to help him.

Then, for Meldrick, who stood by nearly helpless as Mike put the gun to his lips, the need to help his partner. I've seen it phrased as how he would do anything to keep from losing Mike, his partner. Meldrick has already lost his former partner to suicide- he was not going to let it claim this one. Maybe he felt that letting Mike know someone cared for him was the way to keep Mike from killing himself.

I do not think the fiction that is written in response to Have A Conscience is un-realistic, because unlike some characters, these two men are human. They are susceptible to mistakes, if that is what can be used to describe the encounter they have after returning from 'the walk'. These two men love each other, and have worked together for the last year. If passion was the only thing that could save Mike, from both Meldrick and Mike's point of view, then both men would most likely do what they thought they must to hold on- to themselves, or to the other.

I conclude that it would indeed be probable for these two men to engage in intimacy after such a stressful occurrence- where emotions are high, and despair and a feeling of fear control actions. For some, it is the pairing of Kellerman and Lewis that immedeantly does not register. Then the feeling that after a situation where suicide is threatened, where both characters are scared and desperate, is just not a very sexual environment.

Desperation has much to do with why they make love after the suicide attempt. If they didn't feel the need to save themselves or someone else, Michael Kellerman would have shot himself, and then there would have been no room at all for this discussion.

Yet, Meldrick did care enough to talk to him, to take the gun away. He was there for Mike, and it is my opinion then that he always would be