Wow. Just wow. The way you set it up with the parallel sentences sets the tone for everything after that, curt and harsh and pithy: "The water was too cold. The crevasse walls were too high. The rope--though at least there was a rope--was barely out of reach." The little hope with 'at least there was a rope'. Sigh.
"Wake up, will ya," he said, shaking Scotty, who floated far too quietly on his back, slipping further away with every degree of body temperature he lost.
And again: you just establish the tension, "far too quietly"... "slipping further away"... and establishing his dclining condition, the risk of hypothermia, in eight words. How true to canon, and hoe tense, how, well, masculine, all in Kelly's PoV.
"...get a job in the morning..." Scotty answered. And every line is Scotty. I mean it, there is not one line I could not see coming out of his mouth.
Kelly nearly went blind with the fear that that would be the last he'd hear. I don't know where you got that metaphor, but it just slew me, on the ground right here: and so true--there is a moment when you can't see, when the fear takes over so completely that for a moment there's nothing else. You capture it perfectly. The 'that that' is perfecly correct, of course, and the contrast between what scotty says, drifting, and Kelly's knife-edge awareness which you convey through short sentences and sharp words, is perfection itself, pushing us with him into the cold and the fear and the urgency.
He shook Scotty again, sharply. "Don't you sink! Hear me?"
"...bossy..." And again you do it.
Kelly let him go to float on his own for a few more perilous seconds. [see. perilous seconds. Bam. Got us again, straight through the heart.] He concentrated, and started kicking hard, each leg circling inward, powering him in a ferocious tread, up, up, straining, arms reaching--
And that sentence is amazing, with no fullstops, no semicolons, nothing but commas, pushing us relentlessly forward in kel's stream of consciousness. ...
"Shut. Up." Kelly pulled fiercely, his eyes blurring with adrenaline and effort. [Aw, and from Kel's PoV, I can believe it. You go on believing it, too, Kel. Adrenaline and effort. Not fear or being overcome by thethought of losing the person dearest to you in all the world, the one you're doing all this for, anyway.] "I've. Got you. You ain't. Going anywhere." [Great way to convey the effort of climbing. And touching as all hell, too, but I'm betting you knew how this would rip unsuspecting readers apart.]
"...that a threat?" But he stayed alive all the way to the top.
------------------------------
The next time, Kelly couldn't rise high enough, wasn't strong enough, so Scotty drowned. His eyes were open and staring as he sank. And the time after that, same thing. Again and again, relentless, failure and loss and the end--not just the end of Scotty, but the end of everything. You failed him. You lost him.
Allow me to just mention how much I love the variation in the length of the sentences - and the punctuation - here. Of course, it's wonderfully written, with the parallels "couldn't rise high enough, wasn't strong enough..." and the terrifying, gut-punch image "His eyes were open and staring as he sank." Enough to be anyone's nightmare, poor Kel. But i just adore how this is constructed. "The next time, Kelly couldn't rise high enough, wasn't strong enough, so Scotty drowned." Longish sentence with the cause and effect. "His eyes were open and staring as he sank." the shorter sentence, driving home the horror of the consequences. "And the time after that, same thing." Very short, with the comma, leading up to the longer, more involved description of phantom death: "Again and again, relentless, failure and loss and the end--not just the end of Scotty, but the end of everything." With the lovely ellipse, keeping us involved, keeping us interested, and what a nice nod to canon in "Loser." And then the hortest phrases, hammering it home: "You failed him. You lost him."
You're just a gem, truly.
But his blanket drew back, and Scotty's warmth climbed in beside him. "You keep dreaming," Scotty said. i adore the disembodied gestures: 'the blanket drew back' - 'Scotty's warmth climbed in' - as though he's not aware of the entire presence as yet, in that strange world between sleeping and waking - and Scotty's presence is known by the warmth and comfort it brings, not as anything coherent. Really brings home kel's dependency in this moment, as well as the warmth of their partnership.
"I'd noticed," Kelly replied, rubbing his face.
"Kicking around." Scotty snorted softly. "The amazing sleeping eggbeater." As well as the soft snort... have I mentioned to you how PERFECT their dialogue is? This is what lifts it off the page - I can see it happening in any one of their TV hotel rooms, can see Cosby saying it in that soft tone of his, and I thank you forever for it. Affection and fun. I love this fandom in your hands.
Kelly tugged some of the covers back from his bed-hog of a partner. "You're just jealous of the pearl diver."
"Dream on," Scotty said. "So to speak." As I said. I love it.
"They shifted and nudged and stuck their feet out from under the blankets and adjusted for errant elbows, and finally they couldn't get any closer. It was quiet, and warm, and Kelly closed his eyes. Saw Scotty drowning. Opened them again. You're doing it again. Long sentence. Shorter with commas. Shock-short-three-word lines, conveying the fear that creeps in to Kelly.
"Hey." Scotty reached out, and Kelly'd been wrong, they could get closer. [Oh, wow.] Scotty's arms [again with the reference to body parts, but not just any arms, Scotty's hm? :)]steadied him, pulled him in, locked him tight. [And you do it again, but this time, all these phrases are separated by commas, and Kel is home. All the parallel phrases, meaning the same thing. And oh, your choice of words. "Steadied him, pulled him in, locked him tight."] This, right here, was the safest place he'd ever known. [And again: 'This, right here.' And you knew we'd melt at 'the safest place he'd ever known.']
He couldn't say anything. One for the record books. He just held on. [the breathlessness of that sentence! The self-deprecating humour! And the desperation, the love! *swoons*]
"Hey," Scotty said again, his lips to Kelly's ear. "I've got you. You ain't going anywhere."
Which, of course, echoes the start - Scotty is also there for Kel emotionally, as we see so many times in canon. And the 'promise' can be read both ways... I'm a slasher in spirit, but I love the ambiguity in this, that, except for the 'suddenly breathless', it can be read both ways.
I hope you receive this - sometimes I fear that these review boxes just broadcast into the ether. But I very much want you to know the 'wonderfulness' of your work. it is, you know. Wonderful.
