Nature's Correspondences
by Francesca
PART ONE: E-MAIL
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From: jje@cpd.cas.gov To: sandbur8921@rainier.edu Subject: Where the hell Date: 15 Nov. 1999 13:04
Where the hell are you? It's 1:00 already — Simon's cranky, I'm bored, and you have an inbox full of paper.
Jim
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From: sandbur8921@rainier.edu To: jje@cpd.cas.gov Subject: Go to hell Date: 15 Nov 1999 13:15
<<Where the hell are you? It's 1:00 already — Simon's cranky, <<I'm bored, and you have an inbox full of paper.
Go to hell — that's not making me feel any better, okay? Where do you *think* I am — I'm at the roach motel California and I've got a goddamned line outside my office. All these stupid seminar students who are only thinking about their paper topics *now*. And who think that these office hours I've got posted on my door are *real*.
You know, in my day, we had 120 person classes and the professors didn't even know our names and goddammit, we *liked* it that way! All this professorial coddling will lead to nothing but a generation of dependency and the eventual decline of America, you mark my words.
Blair (who's got a full inbox right in front of him, thank you very much)
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From: jje@cpd.cas.gov To: sandbur8921@rainier.edu Subject: Go to hell yourself Date: 15 Nov. 1999 13:20
<<I've got a goddamned line outside my office. All these <<stupid seminar students who are only thinking about their <<paper topics *now*.
So push them somewhere. <g> It's one- thirty on a Friday afternoon — shouldn't they be getting drunk or having sex or something? Who the hell goes to office hours on a Friday afternoon? I think America is already on it's way out — the younger generation has no fucking initiative...
You're not gonna make it here, are you? You're gonna leave me here doing paperwork all day by myself. Meanwhile H. has been humming "Superfreak" under his breath for the last hour and a half. It's driving me insane. I won't be accountable, I swear.
Jim
PS. In *my* day, we had 240 person classes and we didn't even know our *own* names. So there.
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From: sandbur8921@rainier.edu To: jje@cpd.cas.gov Subject: Afternoon delight Date: 15 Nov 1999 13:41
<<shouldn't they be getting drunk or having sex or something? << Who the hell goes to office hours on a Friday afternoon?
Why do you think I scheduled them on Friday afternoon?! I figured no fucking way they'd show up! And yet here they are: a living catalogue of the latest from Ambercrombie and Fitch. Sigh.
<<You're not gonna make it here, are you?
Um, probably not, no. Man, Simon's gonna hate me — I took a PD car this morning and everything. Cover for me, will you?
<<You're gonna leave me here doing paperwork all by myself.
Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. You'll get no sympathy from *me*, my brother.
<<Meanwhile H. has been humming "Superfreak" under <<his breath for the last hour and a half. It's driving me insane.
Ah, well, clearly what you need to do is start singing something else. Preferably something evil that he won't be able to get out of his head. Something really *white*. Like: "You Light Up My Life". Or "Afternoon Delight." You know: "Skyyyyyyyrockets in Fllllight! Afternoon Delight! Aaaaaaaaaaafternoon deliiiiiight!" ; )
Love,
Blair
P.S. And if you're so bored, you could always start on *my* paperwork, you know. I mean, I'd do it for you. In fact, I *have* done it for you.
In fact, I have done it for you for the last *four* *years*, you ungrateful cretin!
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From: jje@cpd.cas.gov To: sandbur8921@rainier.edu Subject: I hate you Date: 15 Nov. 1999 14:02
<<Ah, well, clearly what you need to do is start singing <<something else. Preferably something evil
EVIL IS RIGHT, YOU ROTTEN BASTARD. Now I've got *that* crap in my head.
Worse yet, I've mentally changed the lyrics to reflect my reality. So I'm mentally singing "Jew Light Up My Life."
You suck,
Jim
<<P.S. And if you're so bored, you could always start on *my* paperwork
P.S. Fat chance.
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From: sandbur8921@rainier.edu To: jje@cpd.cas.gov Subject: I hate you too Date: 15 Nov 1999 14:15
<<Worse yet, I've mentally changed the lyrics to reflect <<my reality. So I'm mentally singing "Jew Light Up My Life."
LOLOL!! Oh, that's *priceless*. Wait — here's some more:
It Had To Be Jew Jew Made Me Love You I Get A Kick Out of Jew Jew Keep Me Hanging On I've Got Jew Under My Skin Jew Are the Wind Beneath My Wings
Yes, it's 12 Great Jewish Classics for only $15.99 — order now!!
<<You suck,
Shouldn't that be "Jew suck"? <g>
Love,
Blair
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From: sandbur8921@rainier.edu To: jje@cpd.cas.gov Subject: [fwd] fwd] Suggested AAS Policy on Gay and Lesbian Partners Date: 15 Nov 1999 14:20
FYI, Dr. Ellison. ; )
<<From: longworth@smithcoll.edu <<To: sandbur8921@rainier.edu <<Subject: [fwd] Suggested AAS Policy on Gay and Lesbian Partners
<<Dear Blair,
<<Thought you'd want to see this. The American Anthropological <<has sent around the following memo to the acting operating <<committee: if it passes, it might help you and Jim. (Note the bit at <<the end about "consideration in the tenure process" — though of <<course they've simply said that it should be in line with the <<consideration given to straight partners, which as you know is often nil.)
>>Who knows, maybe it will do some good anyway. Love to Jim.
>>Deana
<<<<<From: ameranthro.org <<<<<Organization: American Anthropological Society <<<<<Subject: Suggested AAS Policy on Gay and Lesbian Partners
<<<<<The AAS will be proposing the following resolution at the December, <<<<<1999 conference in Toronto:
<<<<<THAT WE, the members of the AAS, resolve that gay and lesbian <<<<<faculty spouses should be given the same respect and consideration <<<<<within the university structure as legal spouses, such respect and <<<<<consideration to include the following: <<<<< *health care benefits <<<<< *access to university libraries <<<<< *access to school gymnasium and other services <<<<< *access to university-subsidized faculty housing <<<<< *tuition subsidy or remission in line with that currently offered to <<<<< legal spouses <<<<< *investment in university pension scheme <<<<< *access to university subsidized child care <<<<< *due consideration in the tenure process in line with that <<<<<<currently offered to legal spouses.
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From: jje@cpd.cas.gov To: sandbur8921@rainier.edu Subject: [fwd] [fwd] Suggested AAS Policy on Gay and Lesbian Partners Date: 15 Nov. 1999 14:31
<<FYI, Dr. Ellison. ; )
This isn't funny, Blair. What the hell are we supposed to do about this? We've got to tell Deana that I'm not a prof. It seems wrong, somehow, to lead her on.
Plus, more prosaically, we're bound to get caught, aren't we?
Jim
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From: NickSAGE@aol.com To: jje@cpd.cas.gov Subject: used car Date: 15 Nov. 1999 14:33
Dear Jim,
I think I've got something you might be interested in: it just showed up on the lot this afternoon. It's a 1962 Volvo — excellent condition, good mileage, was owned by a little old lady down in Pasadena who only used it for local shopping, etc. She's moved up here with her daughter now and thinks she's too old to drive the thing in our lovely northwestern weather.
Anyway, it's about the safest classic car you're gonna find. You want me to keep it off the lot till you've had a chance to look?
Nick
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From: jje@cpd.cas.gov To: NickSAGE@aol.com Subject: used car Date: 15 Nov. 1999 14:46
<<Anyway, it's about the safest classic car you're gonna find. <<You want me to keep it off the lot till you've had a chance to look?
Yeah, Nick, would you? It sounds pretty good: how much does she want for it?
And what time are you open till tonight?
Jim
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From: sandbur8921@rainier.edu To: jje@cpd.cas.gov Subject: [fwd] [fwd] Suggested AAS Policy on Gay and Lesbian Partners Date: 15 Nov 1999 14:47
<<This isn't funny, Blair. What the hell are we supposed to <<do about this? We've got to tell Deana that I'm not a prof. <<It seems wrong, somehow, to lead her on.
<<Plus, more prosaically, we're bound to get caught, aren't we?
Well let's hope not! Thing is, there's lots of PhDs who don't end up working in academia: maybe we can sell you as the "independent scholar" type. I mean, that's sort of true, isn't it? You are in a way. Sort of.
Okay, right — we're in trouble. Because I'll tell you, man — Anthro's a small world. Not to break it to you, but after Chicago it's only a matter of time before we're outed at Rainier. These people *gossip*, man — they gossip as much as they drink and fuck. So we're totally screwed, there — we've just got to hope that Rainier gossip and PD gossip circles don't overlap much.
Which I don't *think* they do — at least, they don't so far as I know. One of the blessings is that faculty don't gossip with administration — they're like different *species*. And if there's any overlap between Rainier and the PD, it's likely to be on the administrative level, so that's hopeful.
Am I convincing you? I don't know if I'm convincing myself....
I'm losing track of my stories. I can't think about this now. I've got another student — I'll write you back in a bit.
Going into denial,
Blair
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From: NickSAGE@aol.com To: jje@cpd.cas.gov Subject: used car Date: 15 Nov. 1999 15:04
Don't worry about $$$ — I'll cut you a deal, swear.
<<And what time are you open till tonight?
We're open till 10:00 on weekends. Come on by: I'll stick some beers in the fridge.
Best,
Nick
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From: jje@cpd.cas.gov To: sandbur8921@rainier.edu Subject: Denial Date: 15 Nov. 1999 15:10
<<maybe we can sell you as the "independent scholar" type. <<I mean, that's sort of true, isn't it? You are in a way. Sort of.
Nice try. You're gonna have to be more convincing than that, buddy. Come on: you can do it. Kickstart that brain of yours.
<<we're totally screwed, there — we've just got to hope that Rainier << gossip and PD gossip circles don't overlap much.
Myself, I'm hoping you're the missing link. The *only* link.
<<Going into denial,
Denial is your friend.
Listen, whattya say we get the hell out of Dodge this weekend? Let's go up and do some work on the house: we can just throw some gear together and take off. Maybe you can stop by the Home Depot on your way home, pick up a 3/4 inch drill bit and some Duralogs. And some of those giant trash bags. And whatever else you can think of — can you think of anything else?
Jim
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From: sandbur8921@rainier.edu To: jje@cpd.cas.gov Subject: Denial Date: 15 Nov 1999 15:17
<<Nice try. You're gonna have to be more convincing than << that, buddy.
That was just the first draft (he said defensively.) Believe me, when I'm done working it it'll be a masterpiece of obfuscation. I hope. I think I can, I think I can...
<<Listen, whattya say we get out of town this weekend?
I say YES YES YES. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
<<Maybe you can stop by the Home Depot on your way home, pick <<up a 3/4 inch drill bit and some Duralogs. And some of those
Whoa, hey, hang on a second! Why do *I* have to stop at the Home Depot — you're as close as I am! You must have me confused with that guy who does your paperwork and buys you groceries and...
Oh, wait., that *is* me.
Never mind.
Yeah, OK, Home Depot, drill bit, duralogs, trashbags, anything else I can think of. God willing, I should be out of here by five o'clock.
Pray for me,
Blair
P.S. Didn't you need a couple cans of stain?
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From: sxb@cpd.cas.gov To: jje@cpd.cas.gov Subject: CONFIDENTIAL Date: 15 Nov. 1999 15:19
Jim —
Listen this is TOTALLY CONFIDENTIAL and brace yourself okay but I just got an email from the WHC and BS made Dec. promo list.
Delete this
SB
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From: jje@cpd.cas.gov To: sxb@cpd.cas.gov Subject: CONFIDENTIAL Date: 15 Nov. 1999 15:20
WHAT??? Are you KIDDING? He's not even fucking *eligible* for another TWO YEARS!
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From: sxb@cpd.cas.gov To: jje@cpd.cas.gov Subject: CONFIDENTIAL Date: 15 Nov. 1999 15:22
three words — 100 percent closure. they've noticed, Jim — I don't know whether to be sad or glad but BS ought to be pretty happy. though don't tell him: you never know, might not come through
SB
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From: jje@cpd.cas.gov To: sxb@cpd.cas.gov Subject: CONFIDENTIAL Date: 15 Nov. 1999 15:25
<<three words — 100 percent closure. they've noticed, Jim
WHO has noticed? Jesus H. Christ, Simon — couldn't you have fudged the reports or something?!
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From: sxb@cpd.cas.gov To: jje@cpd.cas.gov Subject: CONFIDENTIAL Date: 15 Nov. 1999 15:38
<<WHO has noticed? Jesus H. Christ, Simon — couldn't you <<have fudged the reports or something?!
why the hell would I do that? it looks good for MajCr and for me personally (Observer prog. under my sig, remember?) TPTB noticed — promo board and WHC, vis a vis mayor, chief, and union. PDA also notif. thought you'd be pleased.
concern is that ppl might feel BS rising too quickly, could be anti-BS backlash in rk&fle. keep yr eyes open.
still, the whole thing will get good press
SB
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From: jje@cpd.cas.gov To: sxb@cpd.cas.gov Subject: CONFIDENTIAL Date: 15 Nov. 1999 15:45
<<still, the whole thing will get good press
I need good press like a hole in the head
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From: jje@cpd.cas.gov To: sandbur8921@rainier.edu Subject: Denial Date: 15 Nov. 1999 15:47
Shit, shit, shit, baby — we are so fucked you have no idea.
<<Whoa, hey, hang on a second! Why do *I* have to stop at the Home Depot —
Because you have to bring the CPD car back here anyway.
<<P.S. Didn't you need a couple cans of stain?
Yes. And green paint for the shutters. And some shotguns and bottled water.
Fuck me hard,
Jim
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From: sandbur8921@rainier.edu To: jje@cpd.cas.gov Subject: Denial Date: 15 Nov 1999 16:22
<<Shit, shit, shit, baby — we are so fucked you have no idea.
What, that's IT?!!!! HOW are we fucked? WHY are we fucked? Look, sometimes it's a turn on, but right now taciturn is NOT WORKING FOR ME, OKAY? What's going on?
Dear god — you're calling me baby. Something's really wrong, isn't it? Jim?
<<Yes. And green paint for the shutters. And some shotguns and bottled water.
Look, I thought we had a division of labor in this partnership — you're protective and grumpy, I'm easily spooked and paranoid. You are ON MY TURF, man, and you better have a damn good reason!
<<Fuck me hard,
Anytime, anywhere, anyhow. Say the word. I am there.
Love you.
Blair
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From: jje@cpd.cas.gov To: sandbur8921@rainier.edu Subject: Denial Date: 15 Nov. 1999 16:41
<<<<Shit, shit, shit, baby — we are so fucked you have no idea.
<<What, that's IT?!!!! HOW are we fucked? WHY are we fucked?
We shouldn't talk about this here. We should really be more careful about what we put in writing. Just in case. But don't worry. Everything's fine. Just that we might be getting it from both ends soon. Yours and mine. We'll be okay. I'll make it okay one way or another. Don't worry.
Meanwhile, I think I've got a good line on a car for you.
YOURS
Jim
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From: sandbur8921@rainier.edu To: jje@cpd.cas.gov Subject: Denial Date: 15 Nov 1999 16:46
<<We shouldn't talk about this here. We should really be more careful
Listen, believe me, the men in black have better things to do than read this shit.
Don't they?
Fuck this noise — I'm calling you. DON'T MOVE.
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PART TWO: TELEPHONE
Ring.
("Jim, what the fuck — ?")
"Hi, Blair, how are you? Yes, everything's just fine over here."
("Jim, I swear to god, you are freaking me out!")
"Nah, it's a slow day. (sorry I'm sorry everything's fine) Nah, don't worry about it — I've got everything under control. (are you alone?) "
("Yes, I'm alone, I'm in my office!")
"(just checking — you think the phones are safe?) Yeah, so I've got this old army buddy — I think he's found you a car. Of course it's a classic — it's a total Sandburgmachine!"
("Jim, I swear to god...I'm about to hang myself with my fucking belt if you don't TALK to me!")
"(it's fine, it's fine, it's good news really) No, no, I'm sure it's affordable. And Nick'll cut me a deal — we go way back. (I just think we better start being more careful) Yeah, even with insurance."
("WHAT'S good news? WHAT do we need to be more careful about? You mean about being — ?")
"(shhh!) I'll take you up to the lot after work, okay? Nick's invited us to have a couple of beers with him (about that, about everything, okay?)"
("Jesus, Jim — what the hell happened?!?")
"No, no — you'll like him. Nick's great — we did basic together in Virginia. (you're on the promo list)"
("What's the promo list?!")
"(promotions. detective.) It's a Volvo, you'll like it."
("....")
"Did you get that? It's a Volvo."
("Detective??? That's fucking FANTASTIC!!! I can't fucking BELIEVE IT!!")
"Now calm down, there, don't get excited."
("Detective Sandburg. Detective Blair Sandburg. Wow. No more Special Officer bullshit — man, that ROCKS!")
"I thought you'd like that. (it takes three years to make detective you've been bumped which means someone's noticed and that's not GOOD, you hear me?!?) No, it's a '62."
("I — oh. OH.")
"Riiiiight, now you're getting the picture. No, he didn't say what color it was — but what's a paint job, ninety bucks?"
("Oh, shit. Yeah, I've got the picture, I've totally got it.")"
"Right. So okay, it's a compromise, but it's a really SAFE car — you know how paranoid I am about safety?"
("Oh, yeah. Totally. Safety. I'm with you.")
"Good, I'm glad. So look, finish up over there, run your errands and we'll go take a look at it, okay?"
("Okay. Okay. Hell — what did you want again? Trash bags, wood stain, green paint — my mind's a blank.")
"Duralogs. Trash bags."
("Duralogs and trash bags, right. Shotguns. Bottled water — Jesus, Jim, we're gonna be okay, aren't we? God, you shouldn't have come to Chicago, that was a total fucking mistake...J ust more attention...unneeded attention...")
"Wouldn't trade it for the world. Swear to god. And I'm sure it's okay — would I steer you wrong?"
("No. No. You never would.")
"You can say that again."
("God, I love you, man. I love you so fucking much — whatever happens. Whatever happens, okay?")
"Me, too. Me, too, Sandburg. Now finish up there and get over here — it's past five already."
("Okay, right. Right. Just gonna stop off at the Depot, I'll call you from the cell when I'm on the road.")
"Right, okay. And remember, we've gotta stop over at Nick's."
("Wait — were you serious about that?")
"Totally. You'll love it, trust me."
("Jim — a Volvo?!?")
"A '62 Volvo."
("Jim, man, it's still a Volvo! — ")
Click.
The End