by Llwyden ferch Gyfrinach

One more day has passed.

I used to wonder at why Obi-Wan would choose to write down his most private thoughts in a journal, where any person intelligent and unscrupulous enough to do so could have access to them, as witness my own actions.

Still, since I elected to write my own daily thoughts, I see much value in the idea. Writing is a way of focussing upon those thoughts, a kind of meditation in its own right. It has helped me to clarify my own desires, my own inner feelings about each day as it passes, and to understand the changing of my outlook over time.

None of this, I know, excuses my invasion of my Padawan's privacy. I know that there are those Masters who believe that nothing in a Padawan's life is private, that their master must have complete knowledge of them in order to best guide them, but I have never before thought myself one of them. Nor can I pretend that I continue to read what can only be called sexual fantasies purely for the sake of gaining knowledge.

Why, then?

Obi-Wan loves me. He desires me. It is so good to know these things, to read his dreams of all the ways in which he loves and wants me. More than that, though, I think. I have loved him for so long, and love and desire him so strongly now, that it is tempting to clasp him to me, to make at least some of those enlightening dreams of his come true. But he is my Padawan. No matter how strong his love, I suspect there is still more than an element of hero-worship in it. And however wonderful our love might be -- and I flatter myself it would be! -- could it ever truly live up to the fantasy?

So, for the time being I put aside my desire for him, and focus on the love of a Master for his precious Padawan. And when I feel the need for more than that simple joy, I have his fantasies as well as my own to sustain me. He can surprise me, want me in ways I'd have never conceived, show his love for me in his own words -- and still there is no risk that I will disappoint him when he learns I am merely human. Or if there is, the risk is only to myself, and not to him.

And if this turns out to be more than an infatuation on his part? If he accepts my fallibility, and there is nothing more I can teach him, and yet he still loves me? Ah, then....

That is my dream, you see. I dream of his Knighting, that day when it is proven for all to see that he is a man grown, a Jedi Knight well worthy of the title. And he will be. Though he still has much to learn, there is no doubt in my mind that he will stand along with the great among us. Nor do I flatter myself, I think. The best of teachers can do only so much if the natural talent is not there. But in my Obi-Wan, it is.

So. One day, he will stand before the Council with me, and they will declare him a Knight. I will cut the braid from behind his ear, and raise him up, and he will expect to feel different, and he will realise that he is just the same person that he was moments ago, minus only a few hairs. And if he has not learned by then that my status is no guarantee of my heroism, he will feel it then, when Master Yoda (who, Force willing, will still head the Council) calls him "Jedi Kenobi", and he panics for a moment, wondering how it's all possible. At least, I know that's what I did when it was my turn.

And what will happen then?

I tell myself I will not worry about it; I must focus on the present, and not get lost in musings on a distant future. That is one of Obi-Wan's weaknesses, and if I am to train it out of him, it little suits me to fail in it myself. Still, meditation is the place for such things, and if I am using this journal in such a way...

We will always be close. I know that will not change. Whether time between now and then will erode his desire or not, the love will remain. Yet I live in hope. Hope that when we leave the Council's chamber and he turns to me in joy and thanks, the desire will still be there.

Will he reach up and pull me down into a kiss, or must I make the first move? Whoever initiates it, our lips will touch, and he will learn that his yearnings are reciprocated. We will move close, our arms going around each other beneath our matching dark brown cloaks, and we will fit together as we ought to. Our lips will caress each other carefully, and I will allow his tongue into my mouth, and he will do the same with mine. Belatedly, it will occur to us that the public corridors of the Jedi Temple are no place for such displays, and we will break from the overt intimacy. I will laugh a bit, and he will blush; I have always been the adventurer between us.

I will hug him once more, and squeeze his shoulder, and we will start for our rooms, but he will overcome his embarrassment quickly, and reach for my hand. Joined in body as in mind, then, we will retire to the room that has been mine for so long, and we will proceed to make as many of his fantasies come true as we are able to.

Not all at once, I imagine. Ha. We would need a dispensation from the Council to forgive us our duties for a year, in order to do that. How, then? How much time will we have? Will he wish to stay with me? To join with me? Will he request that we bond for life, or will he accept such a proposal from me? As I've said, I live in hope. He has brought such light into my existence, I do not think I could bear to be parted from him. And he is so beautiful, my Obi-Wan. And imaginative, as well!

And so, in my very fondest dreams, he asks the bond of me, and I accept, whole-heartedly. And we are free to complement each other for the rest of our lives, the true merging of hearts and souls that shine brighter for their love and joining, and merge together in the Force in life and after it.

And now I am getting very far into the future, I should hope. Perhaps I shall take that as my cue to end this for a time, and return to a more calming meditation, to refocus myself on the events of the present before I go to sleep. And tomorrow we will live one more day, each in its time as it should be. And he will dream, and I will dream, and perhaps together we will make them real.